Archive for the ‘Tea Party Movement’ Category

New Species Of Rat: The Cuban Weasel

Friday, February 26th, 2016

Pub_2013_2013_The Rain God SmallThe American presidential campaign has inadvertently made a scientific discovery, a brand new species of rat which has never before been seen north of the Rio Grande: the Cuban Weasel. Although this species has overrun the communist nation that is its namesake, and has such a strong allure that President B. Hussein Obama snubbed the legacy of Justice Scalia in order to visit them in their home, until recently they were unknown in the U.S. The hallmark by which this species may be identified is its incredible lying eyes.


Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are shining examples of the new rodent.


In Rubio’s case, the lying eyes are completely decoupled from the rest of the face and seem to operate independently. Rubio illustrates the deer in the headlights syndrome. When his lips start to move, his brain knows that a lie will be forthcoming and so they widen in artificial surprise. The real novelty that Rubio is reacting to is that his audience actually believes his astounding falsehood. The deer in the headlights syndrome also is noted for causing a smile to hang aimlessly on the lips, like a drooping vacancy sign hanging askew in the window of a backwoods motel on an abandoned highway. Scientists have also noted that the deer in the headlights syndrome also causes Rubio to become excessively solicitous, desperately seeking affirmation of his lying persona. His Cuban heritage is completely accidental and is relevant only to the accurate naming of the species and the presumed acceptance of this new species of rat in the same percentage as it is accepted in Cuba.


In Ted Cruz’s case, the eyes are still decoupled from the face but his syndrome begins before his lips begin to move. The weasel in the garbage syndrome reflects a huge amount of premeditation in formulating the lie, adapting his vocalization to hit the stress points of the lie with maximum effect at the very instant that his eyes narrow. Whereas Rubio’s vacant but enlarged eyes echo the vacuum in his head as words escape from his mouth, Cruz’s menacing glare telegraphs his cunning, carefully molded prevarication. Rather than causing the Cuban Weasel to become more obsequious, the weasel in the garbage syndrome makes the lie formulator shrill and combative. As in Rubio’s syndrome, Cruz’s Cuban heritage is totally accidental.


Like the Zika virus, the Cuban Weasel represents a new threat to the American political process: the complete corruption of the political parties. The Democrats and the Republicans have been incredibly crooked since their sorry founding. The hope was that some minorities have escaped this rot. Blacks failed miserably in this process with the likes of Adam Clayton Powell, Jesse Rainbow Jackson, and Al Photogenic Sharpton. Women were also not up to the task since they relied on their vaginas as a substitute for character. Hilliary is all the proof that is needed to see the hole in that argument. Hispanics have not fared any better by relying on heritage and language for virtue much as women tried to lean on the strength of their vaginas.


Besides providing some sideshow effect, some P.T. Barnum aspect, new the Cuban Weasel will not have an enduring influence on politics. Washington is already filled to bursting with rats. The Cuban kind in America merely provides momentary diversion, unlike their deadly serious cousins in Cuba.